The dreaded middle seat of an airplane. You make friends with no one, at least not the guy to your left who controls access to daylight, and definitely not the woman to your right, who, like a troll, guards your only access to freedom, the aisle. Let's be honest, the middle seat is the prisoner transport seat. It's an 18 inch cell and no one sharing the aisle wants to see anyone sitting there especially not during a four to five hour flight.
In fact, the only people that smile at middle seat passengers are the flight attendants, and that's primarily when they're dispensing food and water to window seat passengers. Flight attendants hate having to be both waiter and busboy, which is why you'll get a polite, formal smile helping them shuttle trash from the window seat traveler to the aisle. (You know for damn sure an aisle troll won't touch that shit. They have the throne of seats, they control access to the kingdom. Trash is beneath them.)
Personally, when I have the aisle seat, I don't mind getting up or down for my fellow passengers. I really don't. (I would have made a great and fair feudal lord during medieval England!) I count my blessings every time I shag an isle seat, even when fortunate enough to be upgraded. If you think the trolls in economy class have attitude, wait till you're dealing with imperial trolls, those trolls found guarding the first class aisle. They're not rank and file trolls like those you'll find in coach, these are real trolls, they have voting rights, airlines love first class trolls; why do you think they are given priority boarding to their domains?
Remind yourself of this when you find yourself in their first class kingdom: Do not disturb them without a gracious smile, but do so with an air of authority that will hide the fact that you're not a "paying" first class passenger. You must disguise the fact that you are truly an interloper, that you were only blessed by a ticketing God, and have found your way to first class with a big dose of luck. Imperial trolls show no mercy to posers, so be sure to act as if your mother gave birth to you in first class and that sitting there is your frigg'n birthright.
But let's be honest since we're talking about first class aisle seats: these are power broker seats. If you're traveling first class on the right airline, an imperial troll needn't even stand up to let a window passenger exit the isle: they can simply pull their legs in like border control agents stamping one's passport: "Yes, you may pass."
Here's how I would right all wrongs with air travel and ungracious aisle seat thugs. Every aisle seat passenger would have to answer a compliance question the way emergency row travelers must: "Are you willing and able to get up during this flight as often as necessary for the comfort and well-being of your travel row buddies?" If not, you'll have to take a window seat or, worse, the dreaded middle seat. No "ifs", or "buts" about it. If you can't be nice from one of the best seats in the cabin, then you shouldn't be given the seat that controls comfort for others.
Sadly, I confess, I do not control an airline, and of late, they are not calling for my counsel. In truth, I guess it comes down to my favorite air travel announcement: "You are now free to move around the cabin." -- Of course, those are sweet words if you have an isle seat. As far as the rest of you go, learn how to beg.
